"The Maltese Falcon" by Dashiell Hammett

This is not a book review, because "The Maltese Falcon" is not just a book. It is perfection from cover to cover by a master of hard-boiled detective fiction at the height of his abilities. If you have ever picked up the book and read "The Maltese Falcon" and somehow managed to not enjoy the experience, the fault is entirely yours.

Sam Spade is iconic. The falcon is wrapped in an intricate mystery that is complex without being convoluted. Bridgette O'Shaughnessy is the model of a multi-layered, three-dimensional femme fatale whose erratic behavior and scheming are never solely for narrative convenience. Joel Cairo, Casper Gutman and Wilmer Cook are a wicked trio of baddies that do so much more than sneer and threaten. The dialogue is crisp. The action is thrilling. There's violence, romance, intrigue, betrayal, secret affairs, double dealing, chicanery and murder. What more do you want?!

Well, if you're shopping at Audible, maybe a stronger vocal delivery.

The problem with this particular version of the classic novel is entirely in the telling. After sampling the few available choices at Audible and finding one narrator too flat and the other too whiny, I settled on Eric Meyers who promised to be just right. Unfortunately, his characterizations during dialogue are overacted while his narration never seems to vary to match the pacing of the story. Everything is delivered deliberately, as if Meyers were afraid we might miss the vital importance of every "and," "but" or "the" if he suddenly became inspired by Hammett's prose and spoke too passionately.

The most egregious offense is the voice he chooses for Joel Cairo. Granted, anyone who has seen the film is aware of Peter Lorre's magnificently subtle performance. Any narrator, no matter how skilled a performer, is doomed to pale in comparison. Fans of the radio comedy group Firesign Theatre, however, might wonder if Meyers wasn't doing his best impersonation of the villainous Rocky Rococo from the Nick Danger skits that were themselves spoofs of noir dramas like "The Maltese Falcon." Every time Cairo has a line of dialogue, all I can hear in the back of my head is Rococo screaming "What about my pickle?!"

There is no link to the Audible version of this book because Meyers' version is not, at present, available at the website. Perhaps a passable version will appear one day, but until thin I recommend picking up the book and reading it for yourself.

Book Rating: 5 out of 5
Audio Rating: 2 out of 5